Children are amazing. Each babble they say, each step they take, each physical or academic achievement they accomplish we want to throw them a celebration party! These little humans that we spend our days with are incredibly bright, charming and sweet - we want to give them the praise that they deserve, right? There was a huge movement in the 1980’s and 1990’s to boost self-confidence in children. You’ve all heard this before - each child got a trophy even if they barely played, everyone had sticker charts and all you heard when an adult interacted with a child was “good job.” As a result we have people who need constant praise from their spouse, their boss, their friends in order to keep going. Plus, we need to give constant praise to keep our children behaving well, don’t we? They need some sort of feedback! Giving praise is different from giving encouragement. Giving praise is different than setting boundaries. In Montessori, we want to cultivate a generation of self-sufficient, self-confident, intrinsically motivated individuals who are confident and secure enough to well.. not care what people think.
This child spilled the corn kernels and took it upon himself to clean it up. He didn’t come to anyone for help and didn’t show us that he had completed his goal. He felt proud for the rest of the day that he accomplished something very challenging!
The right kind of praise can result in better, clearer classroom management, a more peaceful and cooperative home life, and a child who works hard because it feels good, not because they are going to get a new set of legos (which, come on, they’ll get anyway.)
When you positively communicate, you not only can use these ideas to make a child feel good about their work, but can help to avoid day to day struggles.
Start noticing how many times a day you say “good job” to your child. What does it actually mean? I can tell you, it means nothing. Good job doing what? Did they even DO a good job? Perhaps not. I strongly believe that if you are going to suggest a person stop doing something then you need to offer an alternative (otherwise keep it to yourself!) - so here are some examples of what we can start saying to our children (and why):
Utilize “YOU” statements, genuine praise is not about us, it is about the child.
If a child brings a drawing to you to show you, instead of saying “Wow, good job!” you can say, “You are really working hard on your coloring.” or “You look happy with your work!” Again, the reason for this is we don’t want to encourage the idea that we have to like everything they do in order for it to be worthy.
Some things don’t need a comment at all, feel free just to acknowledge a trivial accomplishment with a nod.
A child asks “Do you like my dress?” This one can be tricky, you can reply with “Well, do YOU like it?” or you can note something about the dress while still making it about them and not you, “Sequins are so pretty!”
These circumstances are so difficult, because what is the harm in just saying, “Well, of course I do!”? They are yearning for your attention in some way, instead of giving them meaningless praise for just liking the outfit they’ve chosen for themselves today, perhaps spend some one on one time reading or drawing, or go on a walk together. A child wants time, not insignificant praise.
How can we celebrate our children and continue their natural urge to learn, succeed and be confident, constant learners?
There are four overarching goals when communicating, disciplining and connecting with our children:
Be honest
Be respectful
Be factual
Be positive
These four goals when setting boundaries and giving praise with our children are so important. Use positive language whenever possible and save those No’s for when its really important.
Example: Can I have more chips?” answer “Yes, when we buy more at the grocery store, lets write it on the list!” or “Yes, of course, after we take a bath.” or “Yes, after we have a nutritious dinner.” See how that takes the battle out of the conversation?
If you often find yourself having battles about similar things to this example and giving in by just saying “Okay fine!” after minutes of saying no - perhaps reflect on why you said no in the first place. Perhaps the answer could be yes to begin with.
A child holding up the control to admire her completed work. (I was in the right place at the right time!)
Tell me again what is wrong with praise?
Praise results in the expectation for more praise (a praise junkie, if you will)
Can be a magic wand for sure, but can quickly change to a weapon. Your “if you do this, then we can do that” reward language will inevitably change to “if you don’t do that, we are NOT doing this!” And that is not good for anyone. We are ALL the person who says “if you don’t start listening we’re not going to Disney World!” at one point or another, and guess what, we are still going to Disney World because the tickets have been bought and the hotel has been booked.
Sticker charts, rewards - they’re just a bribe. When you bribe a child, it is a negotiation, which means at any point they can duck out - and they will.
Saying “good job” doesn’t mean anything.
But, I don’t want to be that teacher/parent/sibling/friend that makes a person feel like I’ve never approved of them!
Give thanks, appreciation, say that you’re proud and that your child should feel proud. There are so many ways to express gratitude and pride, saying “good job” ain’t it.
*Thank you to Simone Davies and Marie Conti for hosting such wonderful, informative workshops at the AMS 2019 Conference. So much of the information in this post is a compilation of what they taught.
Reading Suggestions:
(Click on this - it’s a link!) Five Reasons To Stop Saying Good Job by Alfie Kohn
The Montessori Toddler by Simone Davies
This book is not only for parents of toddlers, it is filled with so much information that can be used to positively communicate with all people, regardless of age and how to set boundaries within limits for our little ones.
How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and How To Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
Learning To Listen, Listening To Learn by Mary Renck Jalongo